To be restored is the action of returning something to a former owner, place, or condition.

I don’t really think there is ever a condition or place that I want to be “restored to,” but the idea of being given back to God Himself… that’s an owner I would willingly give myself up to. My words for this are coming pretty hard I’m not going to lie I feel like I have been in a slump lately when it comes to being able to fully dive head into my Bible or even my “Preach to Yourself” book which I tore through for the first couple days I had it. My fire seemed to be just a couple of warm embers at this point, but today was different I was finally drawn to reading and just spending a short amount of time on myself.

I have always given men in my life too much control over me and many of them abused this control through multiple different ways whether it was physically, mentally, or emotionally. I have always just wanted to be that relationship girl so badly that I would do anything they wanted to try and make it work out even if it hurt me. I was ignoring God to give the apple of my eye (at the time) every ounce of me that I could muster up. During my “relationship” breaks I would run back to God with open arms and my heart hurting, and He always scooped me up like a child who had scraped their knee. He would put a band aid on it and then let me down to wander off to learn more about myself and the lessons I put myself through. Every single time He was merciful and giving, especially in the times that I needed it the most, but probably deserved it the least. He. Was. There.

More recently (the past two years) I had found myself running to Him about my relationships, which I had never done before. I found it soothing to be able to pray for my future partner and feel like any relationship I was in at that point was the one that I was going to stay in for the rest of my life. Again I was idolizing something that I craved more than anything in the world. Someone to take care of me since I had always been apart of that “fatherless” group. That whole stereotype of “daddy issues” had been the epitome of my life, searching for the approval of man because my own father couldn’t even love me enough to stay around. Those wounds continued to eat at me all 21 years of my life, they sat in my soul and festered into one massive infection that screamed of desperation and unloveableness.

All this time I had searched for a man made of flesh when in fact I needed to look at my Father filled with love. The one who always picked me up, cleaned me off, and had never left my side. The training wheels had fallen off, but He was always behind me ready to pick me up when I fell off, because let’s be honest I was going to fall off more times than I could count. But that is what is so great about our God. He never gets tired of picking us up. So here I am opening my wounds up to whoever may read this to shine a little light on it to begin healing. “If we don’t show the pain, we won’t receive the help.” Which being who I am, I hate asking for help, but we were not put on this earth to do life alone. Not only do we need spiritual healing and help, but community is on of the most important aspects of being a follower of Christ.

So here I am. I am asking for help in a time of utter pain and confusion.

2 Timothy 1:7 “God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind.” It’s funny I have had that verse tattooed on my skin since I was 18, but in a place where I unfortunately cannot see it. If I could do it over again I would put it someplace that I look every day to remind me that God did not make us to fret and to worry, because He goes before us for EVERY battle whether we think it’s too small, or too big. He gives us PEACE. And so I proclaim that over myself now. In front of all of you and over all of you. I proclaim peace, guidance, and RESTORATION over us both as you read this. That you can relax in the embrace of the one who came before us. The one who loves us endlessly, and the one true Father above man.

Recently I prayed for God to humble me… and let me tell you it came instantly with the force of a complete face plant. I have been broken for some time now but was never able to accept it in fear of feeling defeated and embarrassed. Through this brokenness I can finally hear Him in different songs. I’ve recently been fasting from secular music and it has given me a softer heart, (I am still def trying to become softer but it’s going to take some time) but also, an ear for Him. I am hearing that I am His and that He defines who I am, which is honestly what I have been needing considering I am coming to an end with my collegiate career.

“Even when it hurts like hell I’ll praise YOU. Even when it makes no sense to sing, louder then I’ll sing YOUR praise.”

And here I am proclaiming the heart my GOD has, because He is that abundant and allows me to feel pain, and yet grow closer to HIM. I have continuously struggled with feeling close to Him. I have found that giving off false confidence allowed me to hide my insecurities regarding my relationship with Him, but that only lasted for so long and focused me on the wrong things. I stand here proclaiming that I am broken and my heart is faint, but in the end I am feeling more whole than I have in a very long time and that is because of only one name… JESUS. I want to be sent to march on for His kingdom come; to go forth and spread His goodness and the abundant love He continuously has for us. I thank God everyday for sending people in my life like Betsy and Brandi who have allowed me to challenge my faith and feel comfort in being broken. Here is to a Holy Spirit filled 2020 and bringing people to hear the testament of how good our God is!

And here we are. Another year.. another fatherless Father’s Day. Growing up I used to ask my mom WHERE my father was. WHY did he not want to see me? I can’t remember an actual answer though. I just always felt as if I wasn’t good enough. Cried countless amounts of tears because I was the only kid in class without a dad. This made me question my worth growing up. I always felt as if I wasn’t good enough.

Finally I’m coming to the realization that I wasn’t the one who missed out. I grew up with a loving mother and grandmother who gave me as much as they possibly could. There were MY people. The ones who came to every basketball practice, softball practice, volleyball games. ANYTHING. They gave me the world and yet here I was being selfish and focusing my attention and my energy on something I didn’t have vs the beautiful life I did have.

Yes I was a kid and kids are selfish but wow I wish I could go back to the days that I was being an absolute brat to my mother or grandmother because I wasn’t getting what I wanted and apologize to them. To my world, the loves of my life. They have done more for me than I could ever imagine and have helped fill a gap I’ve had in my heart for a long time.

To the kids with both parents be grateful, but to the kids without, still be grateful for the family you do have, even if it’s not blood.

Happy Father’s Day to the people who have stepped up in the roles they were called to lead in.

Once again the cliche yearly mothers day posts come and go but I feel as if I need to go deeper this year. Mom. You have surpassed every definition the world would ever be able to give that one simple word. You have loved me and supported me in times that I truly did not love myself. The example you have given me has given me the strength to stand tall in adversity and take criticism as gracefully as one can. You have given me the spirit of a thousand wild horses and have taught me how to genuinely and fearlessly love. Because of our spirits we haven’t always agreed on everything, and yet I find you behind me in my corner supporting me always.

You have proven time and time again that you are everything the world said you couldn’t be. Your determination and resiliency is exciting and not something you see everyday, especially in someone who has been thrown in the ocean with no life raft so many times. Everyone sees the life we live now but only a few remember the struggles we faced while I was growing up, and yet you were always there giving me everything a child could ever need. Sincere love, a roof over my head, food in my belly, and clothes on my body. I don’t thank you enough for the sacrifices you have made in order to get me to where I am today but I am so thankful for you.

I am thankful for you Mama. I love you always- Doodlebug.

Summer 2017 was the summer I decided I was going to be skinny. I didn’t care what it took but man was I gonna do it. Not many people know this but I struggled with a mild case of anorexia because that summer all I did was lay by the pool, and I was so determined to be the one out there with the best body. Even if that meant going through grueling summer workouts (for my athletes out there you know those are the hardest) and only eating one bite of a protein bar. And I was happy.. until I was dizzy. But I put that little tiny detail off to the side. I was finally skinny. What I deemed as being beautiful I loved how I looked all the running and playing pick up plus just not eating was fabulous for losing weight I even dropped down into the 140’s! Until finally my body just gave out on me. I was in the beginning of season still doing these stupid habits when I started to puke my guts out and I was having uncontrollable shakes all over my body literally 30 minutes of me not being able to move at all because I was shaking so badly. I was having these gnarly headaches and had to have an IV put into my arm twice before games.

For my girls who don’t love your body remember; you are a goddess and a temple. Your body is golden and you are even better no matter how feel.

So with this bathing suit season coming up I understand wanting to potentially lose a few pounds for health reasons but remember to be responsible with weight loss.

What does it mean to be body positive? According to google it’s, “a movement rooted in the belief that all human beings should have a positive body image, and be accepting of their own bodies as well as the bodies of others.”

I would like to think of myself as being body positive… well when it comes to the support of other beautiful women in the world I am body positive. I mean I am a collegiate athlete who works out at least 5 times a week, usually more in season. I have people telling me all the time how great I look, but I can’t help but to feel masculine. We (society) look at strong woman such as Serena Williams and immediately are told that she is too masculine to be beautiful, when in fact she is gorgeous. Strong women are deemed less feminine than those who happen to have different metabolisms, or merely just do not lift weights. When I look in the mirror I do not feel like a sexy, beautiful, confident 20 year old woman. I see a girl, a girl with no hips, no breasts, long arms, and a flat stomach. I feel flat. I feel as though I am the last one noticed in a room simply because I do not have the beautiful curves seen on other women my age. I am jealous. But why? It’s because even though we (society) have made this new movement of loving one anothers bodies, we are unable to accept our own because of the underlying stigma that we must be perfect to feel good about ourselves.

The stigma you ask? To have long legs, but not be too tall. To have wide hips, but a small waist. To be thick, but only in the appropriate places. Straight teeth are a must, glasses must be thrown in the trash, and do not even get me started on women having body hair anywhere besides their head and their eyebrows. Our pursuit of perfection has us focused on the wrong things, and believing we are less than what we truly were meant to be. Maya Angelou wrote a poem titled “Phenomenal Woman” here it is:

“Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,   
The stride of my step,   
The curl of my lips.   
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,   
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,   
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.   
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.   
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,   
And the flash of my teeth,   
The swing in my waist,   
And the joy in my feet.   
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,   
They say they still can’t see.   
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,   
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.   
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.   
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,   
The bend of my hair,   
the palm of my hand,   
The need for my care.   
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.”

To be body positive is to break the stigma. Slowly with every step, every positive picture posted, every loving meaningful comment made by somebody who is not in your immediate circle, the stigma is cracking under our beautiful, majestical, phenomenal, confidence.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton